my brain is being weird again.

i can't process many things.
everything is overwhelming,
nothing makes sense.

i thought it ironic that i'm almost back in the exact same situation i was half a year ago.
jaded and tired and sitting at a lone desk in the library,
back facing my friends,
a whole world away.

it isn't so bad when i'm with a group of people,
because their voices and laughter can drown out my thoughts.
when i'm with people, sometimes, i forget why i feel so sad and weary; why my heart feels so heavy.

a marriage that brings so much pain.
not only to themselves,
but to their children,
their siblings.

what can i say?
am i entitled to feel burdened?

i'm reminded of how fucked up everything is.
i question why me, why them, why now.
i question my purpose in life and what i owe and what i'm due.

i don't want any of this.
i want peace and rest but
peace only comes when you're dead. and only for a while.

---

my dear friend,
i'm afraid i'm only going to disappoint you.
i have no clue what my true purpose in being led here was.
perhaps it's simple and just as i had asked - to learn to love and to learn to be kind.
maybe it's not.

i don't know how long i'm going to stay.
there are good days, there are horrid ones.
on better days i can recognize the value of all this.
on worse days i feel like it's all for naught.

you're so elusive.