clouded vision.

it is my hope that i'll be a better person by the time you're back.

that i'll be more well-read,
think more critically,
be kinder,
more loving.

yes, i suppose there's still an element of wanting to impress you that i just can't shake yet...
still an element of wanting your validation;
longing for you to see how far i've come and for you to be proud of me.

---

sometimes it gets difficult and i lose sight of why i'm here.
sometimes i need to take time out and go back to where i was over a year ago, just so that i can remind myself.

to continually learn and better myself.
to be a blessing as i've been blessed.
to love as i've been loved.
to be kind and work hard.
to make someone's day a bit easier, to warm their hearts a little.
these are what i hope to achieve...

all these things have no proper intrinsic maxima; they are all processes.

they require me to first dig deep and seek out parts of myself,
they ask that i willingly give away these parts of me.

mm.
i hope i can keep doing it...
perhaps one day i wouldn't even be conscious about giving away bits of myself.