bleak

everything feels so bleak
i've just suddenly lost all direction and sense of purpose for my life

what bothers me is that i'm still so underdeveloped in so many aspects

i want to be the best and i want to win
but for what reasons?
bragging rights?
elevate my sense of self-worth?

i'm envious of others' wit and intelligence,
of their charm and social skills.
it's not hateful envy; it's not like i wish for them to die or fall beneath my feet.

but i do get angry - at myself.
because why can't i be like that too?

i feel inadequate.



ah, i don't even know anymore.