then and now.

back in secondary school, 

I never bothered to study...which meant I could afford to not give a shit about grades because I had nothing to lose. 

now that I actually put in effort into my education, 

I can't afford to let up because then my grades and placing will fall. 

somehow I feel like my mind can no longer differentiate between being competitive and being anxious. 

they are often entwined. 

please excuse me while i lose sleep over leaving watching an 11-min long video for a uni mod till tomorrow.

i honestly don't know why i'm stressing over a video?!

it's frustrating to feel so anxious. it's also ridiculous even to me.

but I can't help feeling anxious at the same time. 

I recognize that this has to stop. 

I can attempt to rationalize things to myself,

and I often question why I am being so competitive. 

...I suppose it's for recognition. 

To prove to other people that I can do it, in a way that has widespread acceptance by most people here.

haha,

I don't bother to socialize with too many people,

yet I still want to prove myself to strangers, acquaintances, friends and family.

is it pathetic?

is there no other way? - maybe not here. 

if this is the case then I guess I have to find ways to de-stress huh. 

I'll also have to stop over-prioritizing stupid things like watching a fucking video.

(at this point, while I'm rationalizing things to myself in this word vomit, I still am mildly anxious over not watching the video but it has subsided a fair bit)